Texe: You Just Gotta Laugh

Why not laugh at Texe Marrs? Saint Aardvark the Carpeted does, and he knows everything

Texe. With an E. Marrs. As in the planet, but with an extra R in there. Texe Marrs. I've seen drag show acts with more believable names. And the guy wants to be taken seriously? Billy Graham. Jerry Falwell. Pat Robertson. Texe Marrs. Doesn't work, does it?

And that's before we even start in on what the gentleman believes. Could you believe, for example, someone who suggests that wolves were reintroduced into Yellowstone National Park in order to control the human population there? That this may have been done at the behest of the United Nations -- you know, the same UN that the US contemptuously refuses to pay its dues to? That said UN is grabbing power over American citizens, using foreign darkies as shock troops, by taking control not of their military, or their industries, but of their National Parks?

How about taking someone seriously who insists that the King James Bible is the only Bible translation -- in any language, it would seem, by the way he and others like him go on -- that doesn't lead to devil worshipping, homesexuality and feminism?

And what about Texe's fascination with Barbie? "Even our children are being stealthily indoctrinated into the new faith [the worship of Satan's mistress]. The Mattel Toy Co. has introduced its new 'Goddess of the Sun' Barbie doll. Is this the Whore of Babylon spirit, alive and with us today?" (March 1997...but check out the interview, too.)

Now, don't get me wrong: Texe is friendly. Oh sure, he likes the sound of his own voice (unlike me, of course), but he's got a lot to tell. He was never less than polite and thoroughly amicable throughout the course of this interview -- an interview that lasted a good 90 minutes longer than scheduled. He never once told me I was going to hell. He's got a warm Texas drawl that makes wonderful listening, and he laughs easily. To use a cliche that's pretty appropriate, he sounds a bit like a wonderful uncle you wish you had. I'd love to meet him in person.

But: the man has ideas that are just laughable. Not just one or two, but a Whole Frickin' Bunch: Satanic corporate logos; the continuous updating of The Year When The Shit Will Come Down; the obsession with United Nations power over the poor, helpless USA (ha!); his fascination (almost Freudian, one might say) with Hillary Clinton and the horror of a woman -- a woman! -- having influence over the president, even as a wife (perhaps only strict bachelors should be President. But then, you know what they say about bachelors...). Not to mention the usual set-pieces of American right-wing paranoia in these latter days, like the Black Helicopters (June 1997), the unlikely prospect of gun seizure, following Australia's example (June 1997), and the Illuminati (see Texe's book Circle of Intrigue: The Hidden Inner Circle of the Global Illuminati Conspiracy).

And those are just the broad outlines of what he believes (and for the record, I do believe that he believes -- that he's not a charlatan, despite the many videos and books and audio tapes he offers for sale each month). When you start geting into the specifics, like:

• accusing Madonna of sending out subliminal messages on MTV about Project L.U.C.I.D. (WP advertisement, June 1997)

• treating as reliable sources the long-discredited Maria Monk's Awful Disclosures (Maria Monk: The Nun That Lives Again by Dr. Alberto R. Riviera, offered for sale, March 1997), or the exposed hoax Report From Iron Mountain (December 1998), or Jim Keith's paranoid masterpiece Black Helicopters Over America: Strikeforce for the New World Order (offered for sale, June 1997)

• implying religious or political unreliability on the part of:

  • Billy Graham, Hal Lindsey and Jack Van Impe for less than virulent anti-Catholicism (WP advertisement, November 1997);

  • Chuck Colson for connections to the Worldwide Church of God (WP advertisement, December 1997);

  • Jerry Falwell, Tim Lahaye, and Ralph Reed for connections to the Reverend Sun Myung Moon (WP advertisements, January and November 1997);

  • Peter Lalonde for not liking the KJV enough (January 1997);

  • the John Birch Society for not liking Texe enough (WP advertisement, May 1997);

  • Senator Jesse Helms for hugging Secretary of State Madeleine Albright (WP advertisement, April 1997);

  • Oliver North because "[h]is luxurious 194-acre farm, in Virginia, valued at over one million dollars, just happens to sit atop one of FEMA's super-secret, underground doomsday bunkers" (WP advertisement, January 1997) (Virginia, eh? Hmm...);

  • Pat Robertson for inviting a 33^o Freemason to be a conference speaker;

  • and Pat Boone, for God's sake, for his recent heavy-metal album (WP advertisement, May 1997)

• wondering whether being assigned room 666 at a hotel in 1988 was "just coincidental" (March 1998)

• describing Bill Clinton (WP Advertisement, March 1997) and Al Gore (June 1997) as Marxists

• speculating on whether "dinosaurs, huge sea squids, and other Earth-originated fossils" were found by NASA on the moon, and the evidence suppressed (tape advertisement, August 1997)

...well, it all begs the question of why, other than for the sheer mental excercise, one should even try to take Texe seriously.

For now, don't bother. Subscribe to his newsletter -- he'd love you to have a copy -- and get some of the best entertainment at any price delivered to your door every month. Chock Full O' Laughs, Or Your Money Back.

Next: Why You Shouldn't Laugh

Footnotes deep linking Slashdot blah blah blah.

"Get orff my land!"

June 1997:

[...U]nder the United Nations Biodiversity Treaty, a precious resource -- owned by American citizens for over 200 years -- has been turned over to the UN's bureaucrats for control. Yes, you and I will continue to pay taxes for the maintenance and upkeep of the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. But we no longer own it. Now, the UN has ultimate jurisdiction. This alone is startling evidence that the once independent nation-state known as the United States of America is going out with a whimper and not a bang.

As a consequence, across the U.S.A., our parks and wilderness areas are slowly being closed to the public. Roads inside the parks are being grazed over. Mountain passes and hiking paths are being blockaded. "No fishing", "No hunting", "No trespassing" signs are being erected everywhere on public lands. Entrance fees are being jacked up 100%, even 500% higher, to keep American families out of their own lands.

The UN and its elitist masters don't want you on their property! And in case you do "trespass" and enter forbidden areas of these pristine UN lands, you might just be shot. U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service agents and park personnel are now taught to love nature's Mother Earth and to despise and loathe human beings. They are being given firearms and instructed to use them. Meanwhile, foreign immigrants from India, China, Pakistan, Bulgaria, Russia and other nations are being recruited for this national park service police duty because, unlike U.S. nationals, non-English speaking foreigners will not hesitate to carry out orders and shoot American citizen "intruders".

But even if you are not shot or arrested, there is still a possibility of being bitten -- or eaten! As my friend, Joseph Urso, Jr., points out, the feds have been reintroducing vicious wolves into Yellowstone National Park and into Great Smoky Mountains National Park. The idea is to put the lives of park visitors in jeopardy and to frighten tourist away.

Neat, huh?

And hey, isn't "Urso" kinda similar to "Ursa", the Latin word for bear? Maybe Texe is being set up by some kinda Yellowstone letter-writing bear faction that doesn't want the wolves coming in and taking over. You know, like wars between Mafia families...or something...

I'll stop now.

Back.

Uh...oh wait, I know this one...

From a WP advertisement, January 1999:

Which Bible is the True Word of God?: Texe Marrs interviews Pastor Les Garrett, author of Which Bible is the True Word of God? God wrote just one Bible -- but which one? The hundreds of differing versions cannot all be right, that would be utter confusion. Pastor Garrett offers wonderful proofs that the King James Bible (KJV) is the true and preserved Word of God. Only the KJV comes straight from the pure and perfect manuscripts passed down from the Church's Apostles.

Another WP tape advertisement, from August 1997:

Is the NIV the Feminist Bible for the New Age? Texe Marrs interviews Dr. Paul Heaton, author of Could the NIV Be the True Word of God? The NIV was recently exposed in the press as having a hidden plan to feminize the Bible by changing male-oriented words which identify God. Dr. Heaton discusses this travesty as well as the fact that the inaccurate wording in the NIV encourages homosexual and lesbian perversion.

An advertisement for a video sold by Texe's Living Truth Ministries, from March 1997:

James Bible Perfection vs. New Bible Version Perversion A stunning new video by Gail Riplinger!

The documented revelations in this 3-hour video sieries will convince all but the ungodly that the new bible [sic] versions are a plague and blot on the historic Christian faith. Gail Riplinger, author of the bestselling book, New Age Bible Versions, reveals that billionaire Rupert Murdoch, owner of Fox TV's crude Bart Simpson and Married With Children programs, is also the owner of the printing rights to the New International Version (NIV) of the bible [also sic]. Meanwhile, high-ranking Catholic Cardinal Martini now edits the Greek text underlying both the New International and New American Standard versions. This outstanding video also exposes: (1) Dr. Martin Woudstra, a supporter of the homosexual movement, was in charge of the translation for the NIV's Old Testament; (2) The New King James Version (NKJV) logo is the ancient symbol for the pagan trinity of false gods and is prominent today in the New Age movement; (3) There is a multitude of mistranslated words and omissions in the new bible [thrice sic] versions.

And finally, from January 1997:

World Famous Evangelist Continues Downward Spiral Billy Graham Promotes False Bible Version

Billy Graham's sad, downward spiral into the mire and slime of biblical apostasy continues unabated. The famed evangelist's newest outrage is his endorsement of the grotesque New Living Translation of the Bible (formerly called The Living Bible).

[...T]he new Tyndale house Bible version endorsed by the evangelist does have many [...] atrocities and misrepresentations of scripture within its flawed pages. Unconscionably, the politically correct New Living Translation eliminates the word "man" in what appears to be an attempt to neuter the Bible and to promote radical feminism.[...]

Hillary Clinton, Bella Abzug, Gloria Steinem, Matthew Fox, and the entire gay rights movement will surely love this Billy Graham-authorized departure from the true Word of God. The devil and his human agents will also enjoy what The New Living Translation has done[...]

Over the years, many brokenhearted and faithful Christians, aware of Billy Graham's false teachings, have begged me to disclose to people the truth about the famous evangelist. Finally, after much prayer, I do so in great detail in this month's Intelligence Examiner investigative report. May our Lord and Saviour help us to get the word out before millions more are led into spiritual apostasy and eternal misery by the misguided teachings of this man.

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What year was that again, Texe?

This is an awfully long list of quotes. To be fair, Texe hasn't gone quite so far as to specify a year -- though the advertisements for "1998: Year of Destiny" come pretty close. If you don't want to read all of this, you may want to go back now.

January 1997:

"As the above report and photos [...] indicate, foreign troops are now permanently stationed in our country. [...] We must steel ourself [sic] for what may soon come. The dark clouds surely are gathering. We may not have much more time."

WP tape advertisement, same issue:

The Hale-Bopp Comet is Coming!: Texe Marrs interviews Dr. Rod Lewis, publisher of The Encounter Chronicles. An enormous, potentially destructive, comet is headed our way. It will soon be seen brightly in the night sky and, at Jewish passover time in 1997, will be at its closest point to earth. The last time this astronomical phonemenon visited our planet was exactly 3,000 years ago, during the riegn of King David in Israel. What is the significance of this comet's visit at this key juncture in history? Dr. Rod Lewis discusses the strange, but fascinating, discoveries he has made in the past months as he has watched the comet blaze toward us across the starry sky. What is the potential of this object impacting earth? Would millions be killed? Does this giant comet signal the end of all things?

WP tape advertisement, May 1997:

Has World War III Already Begun? Texe marrs interviews Jefferey Baker, author of Cheque Mate: The Game of Princes. Baker discusses mind-shattering world events proving that the forces of war and disaster are already at work: (1) Things are heating up in the old Soviet Union empire; (2) A global stock market and economic collapse appears imminent; (3) An Israel and Arab explosion and total warfare in the Middle East in unavoidable; (4) The Masonic Lodge now dominates Israel's political leadership and is influencing world events; (5) The global landscape is startling [sic] reminiscent of the last days scenario described in the end-time prophecies of Daniel, Chapter 7.

Tape advertisement, same issue:

THE COMING GREAT THIRST
That Astonishing Day Just Ahead When Water Shall Be No More

[...] A coming great thirst will soon envelop the whole world. Almost overnight, water shall become the Earth's most precious -- and most scarce -- resource. Men's tongues shall become scorched with thirst. Entire industries that use water in their processes will grind to a halt. Green things everywhere will quickly become hot, parched, and brown, and shall wither away. Oceans and waterways will become poisoned and be as thick blood, filled with the rotting and stinking residue of dead fish and dead sea creatures.

Are all these things too fantastic -- too difficult -- to believe? Then hold your breath, because every frightening event described here is about to occur. [...]

In this almost heart-stopping special report, Texe Marrs gives an annointed message. He pictures a bleak era and a world desperate for water and dying of thirst, exactly as it shall be in a few short years. [...]

The Coming Great Thirst will examine these startling developments, and more: [...]

• The United Nations has declared 1998 the "International Year of the Oceans.". Is it a coincidence that 1998 is also the triple 666 (3 x 666) year, recognized by satanists, cabalists, gnostics, and witches alike as the great year of dark occult power and infernal majesty?

WP advertisement, September 1997:

Are These the Last Days?: Texe Marrs interviews Clif Droke, publisher of the Last Days Journal newsletter. Brother Droke makes the eye-opening prediction that a severe and debilitating economic crash will soon transpire. The stock market will collapse. Following that will be President Bill Clinton's impeachment for grievous criminal conduct.

Tape advertisement, same issue:

The Bloody Plan of the Environmental Elite to Wipe Six Billion People Off the Face of Planet Earth
DO THEY INTEND TO KILL US?

Jesus, our Lord, prophesied that in the last days his followers would be unmercifully hated, persecuted, and killed. [...] Now, as we move swiftly toward the New Millennium, this chilling prophecy is about to come to pass. The satanic Illuminati have put in motion a plan which will result in not only true Christians but as many as six billion people being genocided, slaughtered, and removed from the planet. This incredible carnage is already underway. [...]

In this breathtaking expose, Texe Marrs reveals the virulently deadly agenda of the environmental movement. Yes, they intend to grab our private property and drive us off our lands and out of our homes. Yes, they are closing down our national parks and forests and turning them over to United Nations jurisdiction. But this is only the beginning of sorrows. The ingeniously satanic murderers who dreamed up the global environmental hoax must completely and slavishly obey their master from hell. Satan demands massive and continuing blood sacrifice!

If their plot succeeds, the blood will pour as billions of men, women and children are exterminated. Ironically, in so doing, thse evil plotters will engineer the very destruction of the Earth they pretend to love, and they themselves shall be destroyed in turn by the brightness of Jesus' coming!

Texe Marrs does not mince words as he unmasks the most barbaric scheme ever devised to exterminate mass populations.

Tape advertisement, November 1997 and December 1997:

1998: YEAR OF DESTINY

To the Illuminati, this is a year for which they've long awaited -- the triple witching of the Beast year. [...]

Many [...] dramatic events are planned for 1998 -- events that will rock the world and change your life forever. In this thoroughly documented audiotape, we take a look at what lies ahead in 1998, that historic, triple-witching year of destiny.

Which of These Dramatic Events Will Occur in 1998?

• Unprecedented weather and other natural calamities -- earthquakes, flooding, tornados, droughts, and volcanos.

• More government scandals, including the demise of the Clinton-Gore era.

• Terrorist accidents, involving suitcase-sized nuclear bombs and lethal biochemical agents, will be blamed on "anti-government protestors."

• A repressive government crackdown on Bible-believers, nationalists, consitutionalists, patriots and other so-called "right-wing extremists."

• Oppressive gun control legislation passing in Congress.

• The forming of the United Religious Organization in San Francisco, uniting all the world's false cults and religion in an unholy war against true Christianity.

• Highly publicized peace concessions in the Middle East.

• Significant progress toward the reubiliding of the Jewish Temple in Jerusalem.

• New, virulent diseases spreading across the U.S.A. and the world.

• A stunning pronouncement coming from the Vatican, resulting in a global change and upheaval in spiritual understanding.

June 1998:

Project L.U.C.I.D. will be imposed by December 31, 2000 AD, with citizens in every nation being issued the controllers' Universal Biometrics ID Card. Funding for people of all nations to be administered this card will come from U.S.A. sources, specifically funneled into the foreign nations by the CIA. In turn, the CIA's secret 'black budget,' annually approved by Congress, will be greatly increased. [...] Increasingly, the police powers can be expected to come against Texe Marrs and Living Truth Ministries. Look for it soon, and pray for us.

(Six months later, Texe started Power of Prophecy in response to IRS troubles.)

Tape advertisement, November 1998:

<b<>Y2KAOS: The Unstoppable, Fast-Coming Crisis, and What You Must Do to Prepare_

It's coming fast. And it cannot be stopped. The Global Y2K computer crisis. For months now we've all heard about it. Some experts say that at exactly one second past midnight, at the dawn of the year 2000, a large percentage of the world's computers will crunch to a halt. Our electronically connected society will plunge into darkness as powere plants shut down. Nor more TV, no more lights, no more anything electric. [...]

Sounds like a prescription for disaster. In fact, it sounds like the Y2K crisis may just be of biblical proportions!

Now, Texe Marrs sorts out what's fact and what's fiction. He has thoroughly researched the Y2K problem and interviewed a league of experts. He has studied the Bible's ominous prophecies and prayed to God, pleading for answers and for guidance. In this insightful audiotape, he personally reveals to you the astonishng facts he has uncovered. [...]

• The federal government and the global elite plan to use the coming emergency to usher in a new and almost unheralded Big Brother computer control network. George Orwell's 1984 and the Stalin-Hitler fantasies of totalitarian control are about to be realized.

• Insiders are confident that the billions of panicking people around the world will actually demand that this new system of dictatorial government be established. The masses will cry out for leaders to insure the public safety and rescue the disastrously failed and bankrupt global economy.

• The US armed forces are secretly preparing for a declaration of martial law and military operations against the American populace.

• Government bureaucrats privy to this knowledge are secretly acquiring and hoarding dry food and other supplies and are setting up emergency command centers deep underground.

Tape advertisement, insert, January 1999:

Understanding the Y2K Computer Crisis

In this informative, three tape audiobook -- originally broadcast over Texe marrs' shortwave radio program -- three experts are interviewed on the Y2K "millenium bug" computer crisis:

• Michael Hyatt, author of the bestselling book, The Millennium Bug, presents much needed information on the Y2K computer crisis, including vital tips on how to prepare. Excellent!

• Dr. Mark Andrews, producer of an insight-filled video on the millennium bug computer crisis, warns of a calamitous breakdown of society, followed by the declaring of martial law by President Clinton. He reports that the Y2K problem is real and encourages Christians to prepare for the tough times ahead.

• Ken Klein, noted prophecy teacher and researcher into the millennium bug/Y2K crisis, documents the magnitude of this clear and present danger. He reviews the impact of the coming, global computer shutdown on the military, our banking and financial operations, our pension plans, our Social Security and Medicare, and on the electrical grid. Eye-opening.

Tape advertisement, same issue:

WE, ROBOTS: Slavery and Contentment in the Age of Big Brotherism

[...] For over 50 years, the United States and a few others have been actively developing heinous weapons to silently enter an enemy's body and seize control of his mind and soul.

These monstrous, secret weapons of human control are now ready for immediate use against the newly designated enemy. You and I are that enemy!

In this shocking investigative report, Texe Marrs opens his confidential files to dislose the nature of these sinister new ant-human weapons and human control systems. He meticulously desribes their operation and details how many are being employed now -- or will be employed soon -- against we, the designated enemy. He also reveals the astonishing, real objective of this dazzling and dizzying array of mind-warping and body-invasive new systems. That objective is nothing less than the bionic transformation of the whole human race into mind-controlled, remotely monitored robots.

In the New Age World prepared for us all -- once we bridge the year 2000 and move forward into the next millenium -- we shall be robots. Yes, even robot slaves, contented with our lot, all of us working and acting together in unison as one, giant integrated electronic mind -- the "Borg." Then and only then will mankind be happy and compliant, hating and despising God Almighty in Heaven, while loving and yearning for the praises and approval of the gods ruling over us and through us. On that day, if the optimistic plans of the technocrats succeed, there will only be two classes, or species, of life on Earth: They, our Elitist Masters, and We, Robots.

Tape advertisement, undated insert:

DAYS OF HUNGER, DAYS OF CHAOS
THE COMING, GREAT FOOD SHORTAGES IN AMERICA

[...] Are we [...] about to suffer disastrous food-shortages? [...] In the days ahead, Americans will face a grave dilemma: either they will serve the New World Order...or go hungry and die.

Days of Hunger, Days of Chaos reveals the horrifying facts about this monumental plot to starve Americans and the people of the world into submission. The book of Revelation warns of deadly famines and hunger to overtake the world in the last days. Now, in this stunning investigative report, Texe Marrs reveals how thse incredible prophecies are quickly coming to pass.

• Will the environmentalist United Nations Biodiversity Treaty force farmers and small property owners to abandom their homes and lands and "resettle" in approved, government metro areas? [...]

• Are the police powers of the federal government -- FBI, EPA, FDA, BATF, U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, IRS, BLM, and the RTC -- being used to taunt, harras, intimidate, frighten, imprison, and sometimes kill farmers, ranchers, and small land owners who oppose this Illuminati takeover of our food supply?

• Should Christians and patriots immediately begin in earnest to acquire and store a year or more's supply of food? [...]

• Is there an Illuminati plan for a new United Nations agency, the World Food Authority, which will control the distribution of food?

• Will anger and chaos soon grip the world as desperately hungry masses of people riot and storm grocery stores and super-marketes, only to find shelves cleaned out and empty?

Enough! It's all just one damned thing after another. It really does get tiresome, typing the same thing over and over again. What keeps ol' Texe going?

Back.

You know, the usual Satanic monolithic computerized control system.

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