The Aardvark Report: A Dispatch from within the Shadow of Liddy

I just want to say here that this man is possibly the greatest hero alive today.

Never mind your IndyMedia slackers, if that's your political slant, sussing out the bathrooms at the G8 meetings so they can put in that itching soap they got from the back of the comic book, 'cos now it's time for capitalism to be, like, set against itself, and here comes the president now, pointing a gun -- typical capitali$t!; never mind your Bob Dole personal assistant, waiting behind the wings with six pens and a pair of visegrips in hand, 'cos you never know when The Big L is gonna come down with another idea about another state he wants to buy and another idea about what a small (only small, never fear) thermonuclear device might do to, say, 7-11 workers clad only in, say, hot-dog wrappers twenty miles from Ground Zero 'cos the info might come in handy some day that's why, so better have some treaty pens ready and some treaty ink doners even more ready; never mind Michael Jackson's third assassin-luring double with the bad Prozac Mac habit he's gotta support somehow, sweating and nervous that the sweat's gonna make the fake eyebrows run and wondering why someone would bring a fucking violin to an autograph signing, and what if the rumours about The Gloved One throwing his support behind Pepito is true, does that mean there's gonna be Liddy action tonight?; never mind the balding, satellite-shoving jockeys at NASA wondering what that sudden movement out of the corner of ELOSA-J3's radar window is, and good god how the fuck can it move that fast, and what the hell is that little grin that almost looks like He Who Dare Not Be Named, not to mention that little blob that looks like a bald head; never mind your little scanner boy at the Kinko's who just, you know, loves his job and enjoys making your day a little better by getting up at 4am 'cos the manager's off on another 8-day coke bender and someone's gotta make the computers boot, but hey, what's this, he's suddenly accused of putting his hand in the till and liberating a few dollars, he knows it's the manager, the poor guy, on a bender again but he keeps quiet because it's just the right thing to do, that's why, it's only the shadow of Liddy talking when the manager pistol-whips his forebrain in front of everyone; never mind them.

Never mind any of them.

Because if any of these so-called alleged quote-heroes-unquote ever met half of the full stare of Liddy, ever had their gonads shrink back into their bodies and if possible their mother's womb at the sound of The Liddy Alarm; ever found themselves swooped down upon and sucked up, absconded with, impressed into service in Liddy's Unholy Army of Undead Antarctican Tofu Miners, wondering idly what sunlight was again and why they miss it so much and yet fear it so; ever had to look into the loving, forgiving gaze of the Dalai Lama, Mankind's next-to-next-to-last-hope next to Pepito and Cap'n Bob Dylan and His Freewheelin' Tesco Demon Attack Pigs, look into that twinkling face and beg for peace only to find that Liddy got there first, the only surprise in that is that you're surprised, and now you've got an evil robotic double of some goddamned Tibetan monk reaching for your pineal gland with a dentist's pick and a pinch (just a pinch) of salt for preservative, and who the fuck's going to believe that? no one you know, that's for sure; ever came back to the parking lot they used to live in when they were a kid, only now that I think of it I think it was a house and now that I think of it my family should still live there and now that I think of it those zombie parking lot attendants look familiar, and now that I think of it those brains they're holding in their hands look familiar; ever had to undergo years of shock therapy just to get to the point where light itself doesn't cause dissociative episodes, your id has been deep-fried in gentically-engineered canola oil so badly by The Liddy Incident, soon to be an educational movie-of-the-week from ABC starring Rutger Hauer as The Eye of Liddy and Bruce Boxleitner as Durango, Pepito's evil Pr0n star twin, Sidney Poitier as Saint Jim Carrey and Cher as the village medicine woman...we'd see who the hero is.

The Aardvark Report