The Floating Head of Ayn Rand: A Timeline

October 31, 1965: In need of funds to complete her research into floating-head-hood, Rand agrees at last to emerge from The Reality Ranch and embark upon a speaking tour. The series of appearances is arranged by The Leader, who insists that the network of contacts from his days as a part-time drama critic for the New York Times is all he needs to book Rand into high-profile events. He's right, but only because no one remembers the review that got him fired.

The tour goes well until the final debate. At the close of a particularly fierce argument with an Existentialist professor of philosophy, broadcast live on ABC from Princeton University, Rand departs from her prepared closing statement to assert that no matter what any wishy-washy liberal says, floating-head-hood is too within her grasp, and finishes with a series of kung-fu attacks against her opponent's podium. Her opponent, the audience and the debate's moderators respond with ill-concealed mirth, which only irritates Rand further. To the open laughter of all, she challenges the professor to a drag race "any time, anywhere."

That evening, drunk in a nearby bar, karate-chopping chairs morosely and complaining to friends about the "socialist, mystical television cameramen," Rand discovers that her debate opponent is also there. Ignoring the pleas of her friends, she again challenges the professor to a drag race. He accepts.

The race ends as badly as did the debate: Rand, a notoriously bad driver, is seriously injured when her car flips into a ditch, and an ambulance has to be called. A secretly-Objectivist paramedic on the scene dials OR6-5693 and alerts The Leader to Rand's critical condition. Faced with the sudden and unexpected prospect of their figurehead's death, A=A is forced to remove Rand's head before they are fully prepared.

The Leader swings into action. Operatives from the Chemical Purchases Unit are frantically dispatched to purchase vast quantities of liquid nitrogen, so that Rand's head may be cryogenically preserved. The Head Removal Squadron is hastily assembled from leading New York hospitals and airlifted to Princeton. Meanwhile, on the secret island, Team Rocket Get-Ready is notified of the situation and begins the slow fuelling process.

The Leader arranges for the Head Removal Squadron to perform their surgery in the closest operating room: Princeton University's own teaching hospital. Caught off-guard by the suddenness of events, however, he neglects basic security procedures, and word spreads of Rand's possible impending death. During the twenty-two hours of surgery, curious by-standers, well-wishers and reporters gather around the hospital awaiting news. A group of MIT engineering students at a nearby kegger learn what is happening, and hatch a plan to steal the head.

Waiting until surgery is complete and the newly-severed head is being wheeled to a waiting ambulance, they shut off the hospital's lighting for fifteen seconds. It's enough time to successfully steal what remains of the Objectivist leader. They leave a note note blaming Harvard fraternities for the theft. A=A's leader, predictably, swears revenge.

Hiding the head in the deep-freeze of MIT's student union pub, the engineering students work feverishly for six weeks while A=A operatives fruitlessly tear Harvard apart. At last, in a private ceremony at the pub, the severed head of Ayn Rand is released upon an unsuspecting world -- but now fitted with a small levitation device that allows Rand to float and move at will, as well as a "Property of MIT Engineering Dept" tattoo across her forehead that will take two years and six operations to remove. The MIT students celebrate with a kegger.

Next: Highway to Ayn